Does the urge ever strike you to write n a notebook instead of on a computer? or vice-versa? To have a shifting preference. Like right now, I'm sitting here at the computer with all my work organised neatly in front of me in all these different files in my "text" folder... and I have the urge to instead be writing things by hand.

I don't even know if what said just made sense. I've been awake for quite a while, on very little sleep, mind you, and don't want to sleep yet. I've got a serious manic high going and my mind is running in a million different directions. God damnit! I should have known. I was feeling really happy for the first time in a long time today and wouldn't you fucking know it? It's just my fucking brain chemistry teeter-tottering again. Why can't I just be fucking happy? Like, genuinely, no substances, no fucked-up brain chemistry high honest to fucking god happy? It's times like these when I wonder if I shouldn't have continued seeing that stupid psychiatrist. I can't focus in school, even though I'm in college and it's NOW that I should be doing so; I can't keep my emotions in check and my mind is going all over the place. I HATE IT.

Do I need sleep? Maybe. I don't know. But I don't want to sleep. I wonder if I should look back into seeing a doctor. Who knows. I need a fucking life-counselor is what I need. Not just one for my emotions and/or mental state, but also one to help me figure out all this shit with college and my future.

WHY DO I HAVE TO POSSIBLY BE FUCKING BIPOLAR. I DON'T WANT THAT. IT DOESN'T SOUND FUN. GRRRR. caps lock abuse is awesome.

Oh god this internal conflict on whether I should sleep or not is fucking terrible. for half a second I'm exhausted then all of a sudden this other half shoves it out of the way and is like "NO. FUCK YOU. WE'RE STAYING AWAKE. WE CAN SLEEP WHEN WE'RE DEAD." Yes, my consciousness has multiple personae. Being awake not only means accepting my crazy, but having to deal with this fucking heart-burn as well which I can feel slowly eating away at my throat.

I guess I'm going to pull my manic self away from the internet for now and try to write something new. God I need help >.< For now this is me copying down my thoughts literally almost as they come to me, and it all seems perfectly logical and coherent now but I also know that when I look back on it later, I'm going to be like "jesus what the fuck was wrong with me? It's inconsistent, over-exaggerated, and it doesn't make any sense."

For some reason, I desire jackie's company more than anyone else's right now. Probably because right now, particularly with the whole college/school bit, I feel like I can relate to her the best. She's got similar head-issues going on, and she's in the same boat dealing with money and everything for college. We're both white-middle class girls, so the government is like "FUCK YOU" and at the same time our parents are like "uh, we can't afford the local state college" so we get to take out loans and sign our lives away to credit people we've never even met before so that when we graduate we can give them every penny we earn at the shitty minimum wage job we have to take straight out of college. goddamnit, why do we have to live in a world where to succeed it is necessary to have money and or a good education? I can't do well in school because I can't concentrate, and when I can concentrate, my fucking depression kicks in and then there's just no chance of anything happening there.

deeerrpp D: